🏁 2025 Preseason Power Rankings
A Used Ford Dealership Fantasy Spectacular
Welcome back, degenerates. The draft is done, hopes are high, and so are some of your expectations. As tradition demands, we present your teams, ranked from worst to first, tiered by the only metric that matters in America: Ford vehicles.
Let’s hit the gas.
🚗 Tier 3: Ford Focus
These teams are dependable in the same way that your grandma’s car is — they're technically functional, but the wheels are already falling off and no one wants to be seen in one.
12. Aron — 2007 Ford Focus with a bad transmission
Listen, it’s hard to focus on fantasy when you have a house full of 15 kids. But Aron somehow found time to assemble a roster of mid-tier RBs, unproven WRs, and Bo Nix. His strategy appears to be “quantity over quality” and “maybe Dalton Kincaid will become Travis Kelce overnight.”
The backfield of Ekeler, Jeanty, and JK Dobbins is like an old Ford trying to tow a boat — it might work, but there's gonna be smoke. The WR room is Michael Pittman Jr. and vibes. This team might win some matchups, but it’s gonna sound like a dying alternator the whole season.
11. Rusty — Ford Focus with a moustache-shaped bumper sticker
Rusty’s team is like his dad jokes: endearing but often confusing. Drafting Ja’Marr Chase at #1 is like buying a Corvette then immediately putting on fuzzy dice and a CB radio. The WR corps is decent, but the RB depth chart is basically a medical file — Kyren Williams (injured), Breece Hall (constantly questionable), and Cam Skattebo (who??).
Brock Purdy at QB feels stable, until you realize his best receiver is on Rusty's own team and that's both a blessing and a curse. Also, JJ McCarthy is not gonna save anyone. Much like Rusty’s favorite joke, this team is riding a moustache into a 4-10 season.
10. Dom — A Ford Focus with leather seats and no engine
Dom, cooler cousin to Austin, looked like he was building something spicy — Puka, JSN, Marvin Harrison Jr.? We love that. But then came Tank Bigsby, Chuba Hubbard, and Kareem Hunt, who is old enough to have watched VHS tapes of Nick Chubb highlights.
The WR room is full of potential but the RB room is full of regret. Dom may be the cooler Austin, but his team looks like it was assembled by someone who didn’t get invited to the family BBQ. Colston Loveland? That’s not a player, that’s a craft beer.
9. Bruce — A Ford Focus that has COVID
First of all, Bruce was sick at the draft — literally. Maybe that explains why he took Brock Bowers in the second round. Then Lamar. Then... Treyveon Henderson. This team is one cold sweat away from disaster. The RB room feels like it was auto-drafted by a college football enthusiast who’s never watched an NFL game.
To Bruce’s credit, there's upside — Saquon and Adams could hit. But this is the guy who missed the playoffs 8 straight years. He’s the Cleveland Browns of your league. Let’s be real: this team looks like it was drafted in a NyQuil haze and will finish right where it belongs — driving 58 MPH in the slow lane.
🚙 Tier 2: Ford F-150
Solid. Reliable. Could surprise you in the mud. But is it a championship ride? Probably not unless you install a turbo and a dream.
8. Bryan — A Ford F-150 with three steering wheels
Bryan, stop. STOP. You drafted Mahomes AND Josh Allen, which is like buying two engines for the same truck. Meanwhile, your RB1 is Jaylen Warren and your RB2 is Javonte “Please Don’t Explode My Knee Again” Williams. It’s a classic Bryan move: hoard QBs, neglect RBs, and pretend it’ll all work out.
AJ Brown and Tee Higgins will do damage, but Rashee Rice may be more familiar with legal courtrooms than football ones this year. This team is like a lifted truck with no brakes. Sure, it looks good in the parking lot — until it hits a mailbox on Sunday.
7. Kevin — Ford F-150 with wrinkled seat covers and a TikTok logo
Kevin’s team is like his shirts: wrinkled, confusing, and somehow still gets compliments from moms. Amon-Ra, JT, and Mark Andrews are a strong trio — but Swift and Conner feel like two tires about to blow. And why is Travis Hunter here? Is this a football team or a Deion Sanders hype video?
He also has both Burrow and Herbert. Quarterback insurance? Or just another Bryan impression? Either way, Kevin’s team will score, but whether it holds up past October depends on whether his TikTok fame explodes or implodes first.
6. Chris — Ford F-150 with Seattle plates and a receding hood
Chris drafted like a guy clinging to both his youth and his hairline. JJettas, Garrett Wilson, Calvin Ridley, and two rookie QBs? Bold. Risky. Maybe… desperate. There’s enough talent here to scare people, but also enough youth to trigger a rebuilding year by Week 6.
Jayden Daniels and CJ Stroud could be a dream team or a 9-point disaster. Evan Engram and Kyle Pitts? That’s like ordering two meals at a restaurant and hoping one of them isn’t poisoned. This truck runs fine in the rain, but don’t count on it in a shootout.
5. Lyndon — F-150 that still smells like the dealership
The rookie came out swinging. He pulled CMC at pick 7 and never looked back. Waddle, Aiyuk, Nico, and Zay Flowers? That's like walking onto the lot and demanding "something fast and sexy." But there’s rookie risk — Jacory Croskey-Merritt might be a real person, but he also might be a jazz saxophonist from the 1940s.
If Kyler Murray returns to form and Dalton Schultz doesn’t retire midseason, this team could sneak into contention. Lyndon might be new, but he drafted like a guy who Googled “fantasy sleepers” 30 minutes before the draft — and nailed every pick.
🐎 Tier 1: Ford Mustang
These teams are fast, flashy, and smell like testosterone and a trophy.
4. Logan — 2020 Ford Mustang with 100,000 miles and four trophies in the trunk
The reigning most-championshiped owner put together a team with Derrick Henry, Achane, Kamara, and Rhamondre — basically four RBs who might each explode... or spontaneously combust. But pairing them with Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce? That’s not just risky — that’s disrespectful.
The only downside: Baker Mayfield at QB. That's like putting a go-kart engine in a race car. Still, Logan’s experience might carry him to another playoff run. The man knows how to win ugly, and this roster might be the ugliest 10-win team in league history.
3. Brady — Ford Mustang driven by a commissioner with absolute power
Brady drafts like a man who knows no one can veto him. CeeDee, Kittle, Metcalf, and Diggs? Pure fire. Tony Pollard and Chase Brown could be a dangerous duo if things break right. Or they could break your spirit. Only time will tell.
Dak stacks well with Lamb, but this team’s championship hopes may rest on whether Tyrone Tracy is a breakout or just a fantasy hallucination. Either way, Brady’s squad is dangerous — especially since he has the power to change the league rules mid-season. Dictatorship never looked so competitive.
2. Clint — Ford Mustang that refuses to tip at the valet
Clint might bring one steak to a cookout, but he drafted like a guy with premium cable. Gibbs, Walker, Olave, Devonta Smith, and Hurts? That’s a high-octane combo. Throw in Najee and Rachaad White as bench depth, and suddenly this team looks like a playoff lock.
The only concern: if Hurts gets hurt (ironically), this offense could stall. Also, David Njoku is fine, but he's like bringing your own sandwich to a steakhouse. Functional. Sad. Cheap. Still, Clint’s penny-pinching ways might actually buy him a championship.
🐎 #1. Austin — Ford Mustang Night Pony Package™
The Defending Champ. The Mustang Owner. The League's Final Boss.
Austin is riding high after last year’s title — and probably still revving that new Mustang just loud enough to annoy the neighbors. But credit where it’s due: his team is legit. Bijan, James Cook, Joe Mixon, and a fully resuscitated Cooper Kupp? That’s a murderer's row of high-risk, high-reward assets.
Mike Evans, Trey McBride, and Jordan Love round out a team that has zero business being this deep. The only downside? The Ford jokes won’t stop if he wins again. But if anyone deserves to drive the Night Pony Package™, it’s the guy who just keeps winning while all of you meme his car in the group chat.
(Note from the commissioner: These rankings suck. I fully disagree with almost everything they said.)